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Using Unisex Bathrooms - If You Can Find Them!
by Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
Tom and his wife, Natalie entered church on a Sunday morning, greeted by an usher as they proceeded to find a seat in the back area. Tom strategically planned the seating in case Natalie needed to use the restroom. They wanted to be able to sneak into the bathroom without too much notice. Since Natalie’s progressive disease had advanced to a point where she was unable to transfer without assistance, Tom had been providing his assistance with the basics such as eating, bathing and toileting.
About midway through the church service, Natalie signaled to Tom that she needed to go to the restroom. Now came the hard part of attending church. At home Tom had no problem with assisting his wife in transferring, nor would he here at their church. Though both the men and women’s bathrooms were adequately equipped with safety bars there was one major issue that the church had not addressed. Tom and Natalie had to deal with whether to use the men’s room or women’s bathroom. Since the usher on this particular Sunday, positioned at the entrance that they had used happened to be a woman, Tom opted to wheel his wife into the women’s bathroom. This way he could ask the usher to hold the door. He also asked her to “guard” the door so that no other woman would be surprised to find a man in the women’s bathroom.
Both Tom and Natalie loved attending their church, but found the aspect of the bathroom situation not only anxiety producing, but embarrassing as well. In spite of their requests for a unisex handicapped toilet, the church board at this point did not see the necessity for designating or building one.
Marge enjoyed visits from her grandchildren. On this particular weekend, five-year-old Timmy was to come to spend the weekend. Her grandson loved to shop with her especially when it meant that they could stop at the mall near the interstate for ice cream after his grandmother had completed her shopping.
Midway through their outing, Timmy told Marge that he had to go to the bathroom. Since Marge had been reading a lot in the newspapers lately about child predators, she was hesitant to allow Timmy to go into the men’s room by himself. Through Timmy insisted that he was a “big boy” and did not need her help, she felt extremely uneasy about letting him go there alone. When she explained that she thought she should bring him into the women’s room, Timmy’s eyes grew large as he explained that he was now a kindergartner and going into the same bathroom with girls would be something that the other boys at school would never do.
Faced with a dilemma Marge had to decide whether to let Timmy go into the men’s room alone or to go with her into either the men or women’s bathroom. She decided to solve it by opting for safety with the least amount of embarrassment to both of them as possible. She sought out a security officer and asked him to check to make sure that the men’s room was unoccupied. She further requested him to ask men who approached to wait until her grandson was finished before they entered the bathroom. Once Timmy came out he was able to save face to some degree and not have his grandmother follow him into the bathroom. Marge was also glad that the safety factor was preserved. If the mall had a unisex toilet, Timmy could have just gone in alone and she could have waited outside the door, skipping the security guard step.
Dan valued taking his son Nathan and his granddaughter, Grace to the movies. At age three Grace was just beginning to enjoy cartoons. After purchasing candy and soda the three settled into comfortable seats with an excellent view and anticipated having a few laughs. The adults particularly enjoyed the nuances that went over a child’s head and Grace liked to laugh at the animal antics of the cartoon characters.
After about forty minutes, Grace informed her dad in typical three-year-old language that she had to get to the restroom and fast! What should they do? Neither Dan nor Nathan wanted to venture into the women’s room and taking Grace into the men’s room did not seem to be a fit either. Caught in a dilemma they took Grace home and attended to her needs there. They then went to a video store and rented a DVD of a similar cartoon and continued their outing in the den at home.
Oh to have a unisex bathroom complete with a changing station! Maybe they would have to wait until Grace was older before they attempted a movie outing again. Or maybe, giving their wives some time together would have to be done differently next time.
In order to save the dignity of handicapped persons and to protect children from predators or drug dealers, must these individuals have to face the choice of loss of comfort and safety when they go to public places? Where is our society in its awareness of the needs of people such as those fictitious families described above?
Fortunately, more an more malls, zoos, airports, churches, businesses, medical centers and public places in general have realized that it is not only respectful to patrons, but also safer and even more economical to create a space designated with both male and female symbols on a single bathroom door. Labels such as unisex toilet, family bathroom or companion care signal to more and more people with unique needs that they are welcome. Unfortunately, whether deliberately or unknowingly, many public places have only traditional restroom options and consequently create discomfort and difficulty for many families and groups on outings.
Every home has a unisex bathroom. Yet, anyone in the position of caregiver or parent faces stress when taking an individual with special needs or a child to a public place due to the unpredictability of the restroom timing of that person. That being said, places having no unisex toilet require many caregivers and parents to get creative quickly in order to meet the basic needs of the persons who depend on them for assistance.
Following are some suggestions for parents and caregivers who choose to take those with special needs out into the community.
1. Plan outings in places where you know the bathroom situation. Once you have the detail down, determine where the best bathrooms are located and position yourself nearby.
2. Get gutsy. You may need to ask for guards as you take the person in your care into an opposite gender bathroom. These can be security officers, other family members, employees or people of good will that can assist you during these few minutes of vulnerability.
3. Shorten the outing. If possible use your home unisex toilet in a timely manner and leave home only for a short period of time in order to avoid inadequate bathroom setups.
4. Arrange for homecare when you need to go to a place with inadequate bathroom facilities. Unfortunately, going to church and the store may not work for everyone and it may be safer and easier for you to avoid certain environments that cannot accommodate the your needs. For example, a church of your denomination in a nearby location may have a more accessible bathroom situation.
5. Show this article to those in charge of change in public places that you frequent often. Unless leaders have experienced a challenge themselves they may not understand how complex bathroom use can be. Once they realize your difficulties they may be more than willing to help you feel more comfortable and safe in their facility.
Ideally, more and more public places will catch up with the needs of the handicapped and families. We are now a mobile society. Individuals with special needs appreciate the opportunity to participate with the broader society. They prefer being part of a larger community that affords them dignity, respect and safety. One way to do that is to provide an adequately equipped unisex toilet as a signal to the public that everyone is welcome.
Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D. works with schools, parents, and organizations to reflect on and improve the quality of career, relationships, and life transitions.
Her web site, www.maryzmcgrath.com offers more practical articles on caregiving, parenting and education.
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Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D., speaker, writer and caregiver, works with schools, organizations and parents who support wellness and the family’s potential. Check www.maryzmcgrath,com for more information.
E-mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
Website: http://www.maryzmcgrath.com
Ph: 952-894-7707
Fax: 952-890-3229.
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