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Transition Simplification:
Easing into Life Changes with Less
by Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
It was time. Marita sat by herself, sipping a cup of coffee, her cat, “Purrfect”, edging against her ankle. It was the fourth anniversary of her husband Joe’s death. A young widow at only sixty-three, she glanced slowly around the room at her photos and memorabilia. She and Joe had enjoyed exciting trips together and the figurines, dolls, paintings, furniture and hangings that they had collected from around the world brought her back to those days of adventure and fun. She knew that it was time to let go of some of these treasures. In addition, she wanted to begin a new life but that was hard to do in the context of the place where her life with Joe remained such a big part of her daily experiences. How would she decide what to keep and what to sell? Maybe her friend, Gina would have some ideas and lend her some perspective.
Bill had lived in his home for over forty years. Originally he and his wife and their daughter had shared a large well designed home. When he and his wife divorced decades ago he made no changes. Then, at the request of his daughter to live closer to her friends, he bought a smaller place but never wanted to remarry. While living in his current place Bill still wanted to keep many of his things. Thus the new small home was full of extra items. Now in his eighties, though in good health, Bill began to consider assisted living options. His daughter arranged for an estate sale team to come in and help Bill sort though his possessions. Though sometimes tired from the sorting, he found the task generally exhilarating and interesting. His daughter felt great relief that her father chose to be proactive. A caregiver for her husband, the thought of helping her father as well, was overwhelming. She felt very grateful for estate sale and downsizing services.
Rose and Steve had come back from their youngest child, Andrea’s college graduation ceremony. They were now officially “empty nesters” because their daughter was heading straight to a summer program, working in the inner city in preparation for her new fall social work.
They both realized that their home, which had been perfect for raising Donnie, Margo and Andrea, was now way too big. The yard work was more than they wanted to take on. The heating bills were atrocious for just two people. Yes, it was time to clear out, but first they had to get rid of some of their treasures and extras. That new condo on the river downtown would not hold all of this. How exhilarating it would be to shed the superfluous and enjoy the time and freedom that the new space would afford them.
Marita, Bill, Rose and Steve all faced times of transition in their lives that required them to downsize. This is not only a big task physically but can also be a time of grieving as well. When one chooses to take leave of unnecessary items to find new focus, it may feel as if the earth goes into upheaval and the ground beneath one’s feet shifts in earthquake proportions. In the process, new life emerges as one looks carefully through the after shock rubble to find treasured objects worth keeping for the next and new way of life.
Such an experience rings as one common to empty nesters, seniors heading on to assisted living, and those having experienced the loss of a spouse, relative or friend though divorce or death. For some, the task of downsizing can be a huge one. Knowing where to start is often the question. Following are suggestions to make the task easier.
1. Ongoing Clearing: In order to avoid a big task in the future, keep at it over a period of time. For instance, if you buy a new sweater, get rid of an old one or even two. When you go through your clothes closet at the end of a season, determine what you no longer wear and pass it on to charity or to a person you know would like it.
Sometimes it is hard to determine what clothing has to go. This writer has in the past relied on a good friend who had the right amount of objectivity and tact to help with the task. The friend set up a “yes pile”, a “no pile” and a “maybe pile”. The “maybe pile” contained items that usually required another season of thought.
Saving ahead for your own or a church rummage sale by placing unwanted items in a certain spot helps to keep you alert to the possibility of giving things away. Another ongoing method used by this writer is to list each room in the house on an annual goal sheet. Then, as time permits go carefully though the designated room and decide what is no longer wanted or needed and add it to the pile for charity. A variation of this would be to have a box in each closet for ongoing downsizing of items. When it happens that you are in any room and happen to decide on the spot that the old handbag finally has to go, you can simply put it in the box right then and there.
2. Give Things Away to Relatives and Friends: While going though the house note what items you would like to give away either now, for an upcoming holiday gift or as part of your will. Noting what people admire will help determine who would really appreciate an item. For example, if you have personally labeled or author autographed books, give one to each member of your family. Perhaps doing so would even lead to a discussion of ideas and values you hold dear.
When you decide to give away a family keepsake, make sure you let the person know that this figurine was a wedding gift to you parents from Aunt Patricia and Uncle Henry. That way they will appreciate it and can share the story with their children as well. Such giving offers the opportunity for generations to connect based on common family members. Senior family members have an open door to explain what happened surrounding the item.
Giving things to grandchildren for dorm rooms or starter apartments could be of help to both generations. Young people who cannot afford to purchase the basics will be very happy to receive old dishes, furniture and vintage décor for their new place. In addition, a relative with a cabin might not be fussy about what they would take off your hands either. Consider furniture and household items for a local youth or senior center as well.
3. Formal Downsizing: Taking advantage of a reputable estate sale company helps to ease the burden significantly. Such professionals know how to manage the situation based on the specific needs of the person wanting to clear out their items. They determine the value of items, prepare them for resale and recommend what should be given to charity or thrown away. A free initial evaluation such as that given by A Sale by Sue in La Crosse, Wisconsin, gives clients the sense of how an estate group operates, what they charge and how they keep records of items for sale.
In some circumstances it works best that items are labeled, boxed and taken to another sale to respect the privacy of the seller. A seller also may have a system to do the downsizing and organize and prepare for a sale. For example, books and records may be boxed for selling elsewhere. According to Apple Valley Manager, Tyson Allison, Half Price Books takes “anything printed or recorded”. When one brings a box of books to a store, the clerk determines what they will pay for the items they will sell and will either pass on or toss the rest so that customers can leave empty-handed. Thus they not only buy from customers but also perform a service for them.
Using items for game prizes for a club, school or charity is another option. People can have fun and a lot of laughs over second hand goods. Wrapping them in grab bags labeled ‘man’, “woman”, “teen”, or child adds to the mystery.
When downsizing, it is helpful to have a box labeled by category. This assists in the sale or passing on of an item. Labeling boxes as listed makes it easier. Add additional items to vary the following list according to need.
Books to sell
CDs
Records
Things to pass on
Things for rummage sale
Things for charity
Estate sale items
Items to recycle
Trash
Prizes
Sell through other means
Cabin
When going through the home, an estate person may also notice items that need to be replaced. Thus there is some gain during the loss process. At the same time new items do not take up additional space. For example, when considering that a couch needs to go to the curb, it might be fun to talk about a new style couch more fitting for the next living space.
4. Recycle; Keep filtering out items to pass on such as hangers for drycleaners, plastic bags for grocery stores or coops, and magazines, old greeting cards and letters for your city curbside bin. To learn more contact your city for details on the items that they take for recycling.
5. Selling on Your Own: Perhaps if you are in no hurry consider approaching antique dealers or collectors with items to sell. This may require research on your part. Doing this could be viewed as more of an ongoing hobby. Another way to sell items is the Internet, local community bulletin boards, newspaper adds or by word of mouth.
Once you have made the decision to downsize, determine to go the distance. Ask for encouragement if you begin to feel overwhelmed at any point. While going though your things, enjoy the discoveries of treasures you have found. When you reconnect with a friend or family member to give away an item, enjoy the story you share and the interest and appreciation of the person who receives the keepsake.
Downsizing helps to focus on what among your possessions is most valuable to you. During the process, you may learn more about yourself and where you are going. Enjoy the journey, as life always offers new treasures around every corner.
Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D., Professional Speaker and Author/Coauthor of four books, works with schools, parents, and organizations to reflect on and improve the quality of career, relationships, and life transitions. Her web site, www.maryzmcgrath.com offers additional practical articles on caregiving, parenting and education.
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Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D., speaker, writer and caregiver, works with schools, organizations and parents who support wellness and the family’s potential. Check www.maryzmcgrath,com for more information.
E-mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
Website: http://www.maryzmcgrath.com
Ph: 952-894-7707
Fax: 952-890-3229.
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