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Six Ways to Survive Sudden Spousal Illness
by Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
Stunned, yet moving on autopilot, I rushed my husband to a nearby emergency room. While staff attended to him I answered routine questions at the admitting desk. During those moments I mentioned familiar facts about him and about our lives. My numbness broke when the receptionist asked me his religious preference. Somehow the mention of church brought out my humanness and vulnerability as I fought back tears.
When sickness arrives suddenly , it severely impacts not only the individual experiencing illness, but close family members as well. With unexpected illness come abrupt changes in lifestyle. These shifts, whether temporary or permanent, surface during the hospital and home recovery period.
Once we returned home I found that the best way to assist my husband was to help myself too. The following are things I did that were not only mutually beneficial but also bolstered me during his home recovery period.
- Setting Conditions - Even though things change dramatically there are ways to take charge of the home environment and set the tone and conditions. I started my husband’s day by bringing him a healthy breakfast in bed. While eating he gained a sense of the broader world via a TV news channel. Classical music on the radio during periods of the day helped create calm for both of us. Cleaning the bedroom closet and dresser drawers brought us some immediate order. Engaging him in the ordinary decisions of where to put things and what to keep gave us both control over a small corner of the chaos we were experiencing. Clearing rooms of excess objects and bagging items for pick up by a local charity proved helpful. Starting a new habit of recycling plastic bags gave me a sense of being a contributor. Setting up office files for future writing brought hope that my own life would again blossom after passage of this time of uncertainty.
- Maintain Your Own Health - Whether working with weights discovered in a drawer, walking an indoor route of the living room, dining room and kitchen or swimming at a nearby health club, exercise energizes a weary spirit. Eating nutritious food and doing it routinely fuels the body for the additional strain it bears. Adequate sleep cushions the impact of shock and change.
- Manage Role Reversal in Concrete Ways - Instead of relying on my spouse for doing home repair and keeping financial records, I took responsibility for fixing things and paying bills. Following manual directions to set the microwave timer and climbing a ladder to change light bulbs gave me some mastery over our situation. Handling household duties and managing money can be a big job. Support from those skilled in yard and repair work, cleaning and accounting simplifies the transition into this ongoing challenge.
- Catch Up on Old Projects or Begin New Ones - How often have you repeated the phrase, “I don’t have time to ....”? Due to demanding job schedules, personal projects are often neglected. Being homebound for a period provides the chance to finish a scrapbook chronicling vacation memories. Creating an album helps focus on who you are as a person, couple or family unit. Whether knitting the sweater you started seven months ago, reading an alpine adventure, or feeding backyard blue jays, engaging in hobbies enlivens the spirit. Projects provide distraction, enjoyment and comfort even in the midst of great difficulty.
- Stay Connected with People - When you suddenly disappear from work and social circles it is important to keep family, friends and coworkers informed. This provides the opportunity to talk about your situation and the concerns it has generated. In addition, those in your network have the opportunity to offer support as they see fit. A general email saves time and provides clear and consistent communication about what occurred and how circumstances are unfolding. As appropriate, having friends over for a brief visit , going out for a ride or quick errand maintains access with the familiar people and places that make up daily living. I recall our appreciation for those who brought a meal or took us to the zoo. Although still in shock to some extent, food and entertainment communicated the real world to me. Previously established support groups with their own regular routines become even more beneficial as islands for sorting and regrouping from the changes that occur. Clusters of colleagues or church friends who understand the challenge can be reassembled for spontaneous and sensitive sharing as well.
- Stay in Touch With Yourself and Your God - Journaling provides a private and tangible way to express fear, frustration, anger and uncertainty. Release of intense emotion produces patience, perspective and better balance. Quiet time allows for essential tears, reflection on suggestions from service providers, and consideration of long range plans relative to recovery and recreation. A quiet house, either early in the morning or late at night, presents an ideal setting to sift though the thoughts and concerns at the edge of awareness during busy and intense times. Occasional deep breaths and a sporadic prayer keep steadiness of spirit and access to consolation throughout new and sometimes foreign tasks. Assisting in a spouse’s recovery includes taking care of oneself in order to create the conditions for their recovery. Surviving a health crisis that comes quickly and unannounced requires accessing inner and outer resources. Doing so benefits both partners!
As seen in Stressfree Living Magazine, July 2002. Article cannot be reproduced without written permission from Stressfree Living Magazine.
Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D. works with schools, organizations and parents who support wellness and the family's potential.
E-mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
Ph: 952-894-7707, Fax:952-890-3229
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