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Single Parents Need Support:
Here’s How to Find It
by Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
Karen jumped out of her car and ran up the steps to the daycare center. She took a deep breath at the front doors and then headed down to the play room to pick up her son, Joey.
"How did your day go, hon?"
"Hi, Mom," said Joey. "Like my art project?"
"I sure do, Joey. It's neat!"
As Karen praised her son, she suddenly yearned for a little affirmation herself-it was uncommon to receive as a single parent. But skip the affirmation: since her divorce, she'd be grateful simply for a conversation about her workday.
Neil and his seven-year-old son, Leo, took a weekend fishing trip together. For Neil, a newly adoptive parent, doing the father-son thing was quietly thrilling. But his son from South America was now growing up in a new world. How would he tell Leo about his background? Neil would have to talk about that with someone soon. But with whom?
All single parents face similar stress and challenge. Single-parent audiences and friends have told me how difficult it is to find adults to talk to; they wonder who can relate to their circumstances. They need companionship that is understanding and supportive.
Create a support network
Single parents can benefit from a network of people who are willing to listen to them and help out. There is no formula for creating an ideal, single-parent support network, but with commitment and initiative, you can create a network that meets your needs and suits your lifestyle.
First you must find out whether your child's other parent would want to be part of the network and how that might work. For some single parents, such a relationship with the child's other parent might be unpredictable; it might even present ongoing stress due to different lifestyles and childrearing practices. But in my observations, single parents who 1 ) communicate regularly and honestly about parenting expectations and 2) place their child's best interests first can become effective parenting partners.
Some single parents have the support of nearby relatives who help with child care, make dinner on occasion, or lend a hand with car or house repairs. And yet, the relatives of others single parents may lack-or even avoid-understanding the higher demands of single parenting. And of course, some single parents' relatives live far away. The point is that there are other sources of support, in particular, parenting centers and schools.
For example, the staffs and patrons of parenting centers often serve as an extended family or as a community of support. Before my presentation at one such center, I observed the members of a single-parent support group check in with each another about the events of their week. The energy, trust, and connection revealed were admirable. Besides groups and classes for adult support, some parenting centers offer childcare and parent/child classes.
Schools are a substantial source of support. Teachers and administrators can team up with you to promote your child's progress and well-being. Schools offer many child and adolescent specialists including health service providers, speech and occupational therapists, adaptive phy-ed specialists, and psychologists. These professionals can recommend books, testing sources, homework helpers, friendship groups, and even summer recreational opportunities.
School social workers are particularly helpful when it comes to finding the right therapist (as well as working through the insurance labyrinth). Keep in mind that working with a trusted family therapist or individual therapist can give you regular, consistent, and highly supportive opportunities to help meet your important emotional needs.
Your school can support proper role-modeling for your child by assigning the teacher by gender. School personnel can also refer you to community and social services organizations that can match your child with an adult for social activities.
The gift of school professionals is that they have come to know your child on an everyday basis and can partner with you at no cost and often at the drop of a hat.
It goes without saying that relationships with other single parents are especially important. Among other resources, they provide perspective, mentoring, and child care; they can accompany you to school conferences as well as get together for multi-family outings or community events.
Soul support vs. sole support
A valid part of anyone's support network is nurturing self-talk. Being on your own as a "hybrid parent," you have the chance-and challenge-to develop qualities and strengths beyond those of partnered parents. Give yourself credit on a regular basis for what you already do for your children. And don't forget that it's OK to keep your career and personal dreams alive as you help create a future not just for your children, but for yourself as well.
Special friends-soul friends-are invaluable. These are the friends who offer encouragement, support, and prayer. These are the friends with whom you share values and aspirations, the friends who may "go the distance" with you. Where do your find such folks? At a parenting class, on the job, at church, or on retreat. Stay open to the wonderful possibilities.
Developing an ongoing relationship with God is a source of strength and courage for single parents. Those who access the Divine Supporter find a 24-hour-a-day listening heart; they find assurance and love for themselves and their children.
Whether you are a single parent by choice or circumstance, you face unique stresses and challenges on a regular basis. By taking the time to create a support network designed to meet your needs, you will receive many kinds of assistance from many sources. Seize the opportunity!
This article is based on the author's book, Teachers Today: A Guide to Surviving Creatively (Corwin Press). Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D., offers practical and interactive presentations on self-care, personal growth, and networking for parents, educators, and working professionals. Originally published in The Phoenix, a recovery and wellness paper in St. Paul, MN Phoenix Recovery Organization.
Permission granted to copy and share this article with others. When printing this article please include attribution and contact information as below.
Phone: 952-894-7707 Fax: 952-890-3229
E-Mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
"Self-care keeps you there!"
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