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Principled Parenting -
Possible in our Current Culture?
by Mary Zabolio McGrath
Jennifer hurriedly worked her way down the aisles of the gigantic grocery store. She had very little time and a long list of foods to collect in her cart. Her son Jack occupied the cart “car seat” and made noises as they passed down the aisles. She checked off each item mentally as she filled the cart with puddings, cereals, eggs, lunch meat, cottage cheese and finally the canned soups.
Jennifer breathed a sigh of relief as she found a place in the check out line. Then it happened! Jack spotted the candy. He started the usual routine. Begging and whining, his voice grew louder and louder. Jack became more insistent and the volume of his voice started to attract the attention of other shoppers.
Jennifer knew that she could immediately stop the crises by slipping a candy bar into the cart. That would turn heads in other directions and she could pass through the check out quickly and quietly. Problem solved! Or is it?
Tom took his teen daughter, Annie, to school and dropped her off. He noticed that all the girls wore clothing that would not pass in corporate culture. In his opinion, the tops were inappropriate and the slacks showed more of the middle than seemed necessary to him. He knew the school had a dress code and wondered why some of these girls wore what they did to school anyway. In fact, last fall he had received a letter with some general guidelines for student dress.
That evening, when he picked up his daughter, she pointed to an outfit that he perceived to be in the category of “never for my daughter”. She asked for one like that for her upcoming birthday. Annie went on to say that “everybody who was anybody” wore these kinds of outfits. She wanted to be like everyone else. What should he do? He wanted her to belong, but outfits like this were not in his column of correct school attire, or teen attire at any time.
Lisa and Ben’s son Chad was a senior and facing the final lap at the local high school. He began speaking about graduation and the upcoming parties. His buddy, Karl planned to have a real bash at his house. Chad begged his parents to let him go. After all, everyone was going.
Lisa called Karl’s parents to get more detail and to offer to send food. To her amazement, Karl’s mom mentioned that she would be serving beer. She proceeded to share that it is safer for them to drink when supervised than to drink on their own in the woods or at a home where parents were out of town. Lisa brought this up to Ben that evening. They considered the fact that this was illegal yet wondered if Chad would choose to drink elsewhere if they did not allow him to go to this party.
Marta and Ron’s daughter, Sarah, went away to a university in another state. She showed great promise and hoped to go in to physical therapy. With spring break only weeks away, she called her parents and asked for extra cash so she could go with her friends to a warm climate for the week. Ron had heard horror stories about the particular location that would be their destination. It was known as a real party spot and he felt uncomfortable about Sarah being out of the country in such an uncertain atmosphere. Could her good judgment sustain her in a environment where drinking and drugs were potentially part of the experience?
The parents mentioned here are fictitious as are their children, Yet all face situations that are real and part of the everyday lives of many parents. Not only do young people face peer pressure, but parents also face pressure from the culture, their peers and from their children.
Following are some principles to help parents decide what is best for them and for their children.
- Think long term. As in the case of Jennifer, it would be quick and easy to deter her son’s whining by giving him candy. At the same time, she would be training him to beg and whine whenever he wanted his way. Perhaps thinking of how this would play out over the years would give Jennifer the strength to ride out a tantrum or two until her son learns that she will not cower to whining.
- Consider Your Own Moral Principles. In Tom’s case, his daughter wanted to have clothing so she would fit in. Not only did he find the attire inappropriate, but he also understood from his own life experience that friendship is about more than dressing like the crowd. He decided to pass on his understanding of friendship based on mutual support and interests, encouraging his daughter to seek out people who accept her for who she is and not for appearances.
- Stick to the Rules and Look for Alternatives. Lisa and Ben wanted their son to have fun and to enjoy his graduation. At the same time they could not support anything illegal. As a result, they offered to have a similar event at their home minus the alcohol. During Lisa and Ben’s search for other parents to join them, one offered to bring his buddy over- an athlete on a nationally known team to add a different kind of prestige to the event.
- Choose Safety at All Costs - Marta and Ron decided not to give their daughter funds for a spring break trip to the destination her friends had selected. Instead they worked out an agreement with their daughter to use the funds for a purpose that was a “win-win” for her and others as well. Sarah connected with a group from her campus Spanish club and made plans to prepare for a January excursion to Central America the following winter. Sarah’s university not only offered academic credit, but also would give her the opportunity for sightseeing. Anticipation, supervision and credit made this an event that was successful as well as safe for Sarah.
In both the small and large decisions, parents face the choice of applying principles or going the route of immediate or popular responses to satisfy the moment. However, by thinking about long term consequences relative to values and safety they find alternatives that work best in the long run as they raise young people with character like their own.
Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D. works with schools, organizations and parents interested
in wellness and the family’s potential. To find more on parenting check out her
web site at www.maryzmcgrath.com
This article was first published in Stressfree Living Magazine.
You can access their website at www.stressfreeliving.org and receive a
complimentary copy.
Phone: 952-894-7707 Fax: 952-890-3229
E-Mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
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