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I Need to Cry, but...
by Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
Remember your childhood, when you were able to cry readily and spontaneously as the result of a skinned knee or lost lunch money? With the death of a pet goldfish or frustration learning to play the piano, tears flowed as a natural reaction. You typically observed your brothers, sisters and friends cry at home, school and on the play ground.
Children seem to be able to instinctively release their emotions as the appropriate accompaniment to feelings of sadness, distress and grief. As we advance into adulthood with lives increasing in complexity, what happens to that reflexive response? Are we able to answer the call to cry when our hearts request it? Need it? Sometimes....sometimes not. For busy parents the time and place to cry may be a challenge. “I just can’t break down at work.” “I don’t want my kids to see me with red eyes.” “It would really upset them if I started bawling at the breakfast table.”
As adults we don’t readily release those much needed tears, yet the impulse to manage our emotions though crying, so near the surface as children, resides within the human condition no matter what our age or circumstances. If we lack the spontaneity of our youth, we can still create the catalysts to cry and allow ourselves the freedom and peace that results from this release.
Sometimes the right circumstances enable us to cry more easily. Other times we have to create the conditions ourselves to help the tears along. In a sense, as adult parents, you bring to birth the fullness of sadness and frustration when you allow yourselves the time and opportunity to cry. Here are some ways to bring this about.
Find a safe place - Sometimes it takes privacy to really feel comfortable with the release of tears. At home the shower provides a place for tears to blend with the gentle sound of spraying water, creating a sense of emotional as well as physical cleansing. When out in public, escaping to a restroom can be helpful.
Recently I responded to the complications connected to a family member’s health condition by slipping briefly into the bathroom of a hospital radiology department. After I took time to let the tears come I was better able to cope with the situation at hand.
Taking the opportunity to be alone outdoors is another option. A friend recently told me that she seeks solitude in a special spot in the woods. There surrounded by the comfort of nature she is able to cry.
Where would it work best for you? While fishing, alone in the middle of a lake?
...cross country skiing in a sheltered woodland? ...sitting on a stump near the cabin up north?
Find comfortable companionship - As children the natural instinct was to run to a parent for understanding and solace. A phone call to a family member or friend could be the correct catalyst for expressing your concern. Supporters in the confidential setting of counseling or a self-help group are accustomed to seeing people express their reality and vulnerability.
Who can provide that now? Is there a person you trust with your tears? Maybe mom or dad would still be willing to listen to your concerns? How about a long time friend who knows your life history inside and out?
Use media - Pop in a CD or rent a movie with a theme or tone that encourages crying. Some songs and stories have just the right ingredients to create the catharsis needed. As we listen to the words of a ballad or relate to film characters, barriers break down and the comfort of crying comes easily. The darkness of a theater and sniffles of others in the audience give permission for tearful response.
What Broadway show tugged at your heart in the past? Would those songs and that plot have a similar effect on your now? How about headphones to shut out distractions and let feelings come?
Journals - Whether we express emotions thorough color and pattern or in writing, focus on feelings helps unravel the lump in the stomach that comes with unexpressed emotion. As we identify our emotions and connect them to events and circumstances our inner tangles straighten out and we are able to relax with the resulting tears.
Sometimes our hearts have messages that surprise us in the midst of our emotional ranges. In the process of facing my own feelings while journaling in my simple spiral notebook, I wrote this poem about my own process.
Soul Storm
Dark clouds gather,
Creating a mass of sadness.
A storm is about to break.
When will it release the rain?
How will it allow showers to fall?
Human rain... tear drops,
Come from my eyes.
Human sadness
Speaks through my voice as I share my sorrow.
Through a prayer for assistance,
Through my pen in a journal,
My soul speaks.
Like a gentle wind,
A deep breath
Passes through this cloud cluster,
Breaking its hold on my heart
With its exhale
Of built up emotion,
With its inhale
Of hope.
Expressions of sadness
Release the pain,
Dissipate the clouds,
Reduce the sorrow,
Bring a sigh of relief,
Make way for new sunshine,
Again.
Mary Z. McGrath
11-21-02
Consider buying a simple spiral notebook or an art journal to use as your personal “rain collector.” Although only an object it offers safety and privacy for you to express whatever thoughts and feelings flow form your core.
Spirituality - With the understanding that in our frustration and fear, heartbreak and distress, the position of the Divine remains constant, we can reach an inner place of trust. With this trust comes the ability to let go. And in letting go one can come to the point of doing the weeping necessary to fittingly respond to life’s events and circumstances.
Follow the Pattern of a Model - In the course of our lives we have likely come upon other adults who have shown us their trust and courage by crying in our presence. Who are the people in your life who have modeled for you that is it healthy to cry? Do you know of any famous people who have shown their sadness to the world in the form of tearful grief? Have you ever heard a national figure describe their own journey toward tearful expression?
Last April I had the privilege of attending the Council for Exceptional Children Convention in Seattle, Washington. The event planners selected Ted Kennedy, Jr. to keynote on the topic of disability rights. Mr. Kennedy openly explained that in the process of learning to handle and accept the loss of his leg due to cancer, he reached the understanding that crying is a strength. He encouraged those of us in the audience to show no fear in expressing ourselves that way.
Crying requires a certain level of inner freedom. This freedom comes from being real and genuine toward ourselves and others. Crying is not about falling apart but “coming together” toward continued wholeness and a more authentic presence to others and to ourselves.
As adults we still have reasons to cry. Our awareness of personal and collective tragedy is real. We observe sadness in the lives of friends and family and feel pain and challenge in the normal circumstances of daily living. Sometimes it all hurts enough that we need to cry. By finding the place and creating the opportunity, tears, so natural to us as children, bring comfort and healing to us as adults. To get a sense of how this happens, watch your children. They will model the spontaneous gift of tears and in doing so help you find yours.
Reprints:
This article is for site viewing only - not for reprinting.
Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D. works with schools, parents and organizations who support wellness and the family’s potential.
E-mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
Website: http://www.maryzmcgrath.com
Ph: 952-894-7707
Fax: 952-890-3229.
Reprint courtesy of Family Times, October- November, 2003
http://www.familytimesinc.com
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