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Five Ways to Become a More Fantastic Father
by Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
What would a woman know about being a father? Granted I have never been a father and actually have never raised children, but I do have some background on the topic which comes from observing many daddies, especially my own.
My two areas of expertise on this topic come from being daughter to my dad who unfortunately died when I was thirteen and from teaching for thirty-one years. From these venues I’d like to share observations on what I believe makes a “Fantastic Father”.
In my opinion, being considered a fantastic father does not require major effort, but is a matter of living the events of daily life with quality. I believe that there are five aspects to being a great dad that I would like to pass along to you. These five are as follows:
- Modeling - Last evening at the “young age” of 55 I did some serious hedge trimming with a hand clipper for the first time in my life. As I snipped away I remembered my dad trimming our back yard hedge. Watching him perform this typical home maintenance task was my first credential for the job. Children learn a lot from watching their parents do house and yard maintenance. As dads, you are teaching your children basic life skills as you pick up little jobs around the house every day. It is a matter of just being on duty and on deck and doing it.
Another important aspect of my father’s modeling was how he treated others. People liked him because he was friendly, generous and kind. Awfully basic, nothing fancy. A gentle man, comfortable around people and interested in their lives. He taught me in quiet ways. I occasionally witnessed him throwing extra goodies into a customer’s brown paper bag as I peeked over the counter in our grocery store.
Children want to be proud of their fathers. Again, it is not about fame and fortune, but who one is in their daily life that makes an impression. Children will bring their friends home to meet a man pleasant to them and to neighbors. They like to talk about dad and what he does.
A father’s character counts because it rubs off on the whole family. This involves just being - being clear on values, clear on expectations and clear on rules. Being firm, kind, and predictable in mood and action lends stability and security to young people.
- Listening - A skill that Ed Zabolio developed par excellence was listening. We had a time each evening when I recounted the events of my day, cleared childhood concerns and then heard his comments. During those times I knew with certainty that he genuinely cared about the smallest details of my life. His attentive presence reinforced in me a multiple message, “You are important. You are valuable. You count.” Using his natural listening skills he conveyed to me that I had his undivided attention. He offered me simple wisdom. My dad could not always change my circumstances, but he could hear me and that lifted a lot of my little load.
Children have lots to share and benefit from the steady wisdom of an adult.
How do you carve out time to talk with your child? Do you chat in the car while doing errands, over a sundae at a restaurant, or around the campfire on an outing? Do they know they can count on you to be there for them?
- Playing - All work and no play was not what I saw. Even though my father had business responsibility, he made time to play catch with me. He favored fishing as a form of recreation. As a speaker I suggest to my audiences that on a sleepless night they imagine themselves in a place of comfort and safety. Then I describe to them my safe place, a beach along the Mississippi River where I fished with my father. When I bring this memory to mind the peace and inner security associated with this common childhood event assists me in falling to sleep after a stressful day.
My dad enjoyed bowling or going to a ball game with the guys. He took time to get out and have a good time with other men. He dressed up and took my mom to dances. He took her out of town on small trips. Just by living his life in ordinary ways he modeled to me the value of having fun and enjoying the company of family and friends.
On weekends he sometimes took me to the movies. It was a way for us to have a good time as well as his opportunity to guide me, as he selected films appropriate for a child.
While you spend your day on the job, your child works hard at school. Both of you need time for fun in the evening and on weekends. How does your family play? Do you like to bike together along nature trails, travel, or visit out-of-town relatives? Do your children see you go to breakfast with buddies? Have you shown them the moon through your telescope?
- Praying - My dad participated in family prayer time and went to church. I can still picture him standing on the altar reading the Scriptures during Holy Week. He supported the church and the clergy, even delivering groceries to the convent. His ordinary ways of “pointing the way” influence my own spirituality and values to this day.
Children benefit from participating in a community which reinforces the values taught at home. They feel secure knowing that adults believe in the strength of goodness and live their lives accordingly. How do you instill values in your children? What do you read to them? How do you model the importance of respect? Is your family a part of a community that reinforces your values?
- Working - Since our store was just down the street, I had the good fortune of stopping by often to say “hi” and pick up a chocolate bar or penny candy. Even though my father worked long hours I remember him being pleasant and helpful to customers. He took part in the typical routines of community life, going to work and volunteering as a Boy Scout leader, but he did so with kindness and caring, respect and interest.
Children learn how adults contribute to society through learning about places where their parents spend time and lend their influence. Have your children visited your work place? Do they observe you supporting the community through participation in a walk-a-thon or speaking to their class about an interest you’ve developed?
My life span has now exceeded my father’s by nearly a decade. In chronological years I have become his senior. Yet in influence he remains a mature and enduring positive force in my life because of who he was and how he was, wherever he was.
Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D. works with schools, organizations and parents who support wellness and the family’s potential.
E-mail: info@maryzmcgrath.com
Web site: www.maryzmcgrath.com
Phone: 952-894-7707
Fax: 952-890-3229.
© 2002, Mary Z. McGrath, Ph.D.
Permission granted to download and reprint this article with use of above credit.
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